Everybody has an opinion about everything in someone else’s life. And that’s one of the many reasons that I choose to keep a lot of my personal business to myself. What works for one relationship won’t work for the masses and some people are too narrow minded to see beyond their own experiences. I’ve talked before about being chronically single and how to date when you fall into that category. When you’re single for an extended period of time well meaning people come from all directions with advice they think is helpful but is actually ignorant as hell. Here’s some that I’ve received over the years.
“LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU’LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HIM”
Awww, this sounds like good advice doesn’t it? It’s not and I’ll put it into context for you. At this time in my life I’d fallen for a man who was never around. Because of his career he travelled a lot and I’d see him once or twice a year. Though we weren’t in a relationship, there was a lot of history between us but we didn’t address our feelings.
The person who have me this piece of advice was in love with a man who wouldn’t marry her. She was advising me to put my life on hold and wait for someone who was rarely physically or emotionally present. Don’t date anyone else. Just hope that once this man was done gallivanting all over the world that he’d come back and choose me. Oh hell nah! If a relationship is meant to be it’ll be. Cliché as hell but it’s the truth. Live your life!
“YOU NEED TO BE MORE FEMININE”
If you believe in labels you’d say that I grew up as a “tomboy.” I was surrounded by brothers and male cousins. I loved playing with my Barbie dolls but I also liked being outside hitting a baseball bat. I liked video games and puzzles not makeup and tea parties. As a woman I’m clearly not the cover girl for femininity and I’m 1000% happy with that.
These people (yes, multiple people have told me this) believed that my chances of getting a man would be increased if I just changed a few things about myself. I would’ve agreed if I was easily impressionable…but I’m not. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine IF that’s really who you are. But I refuse to pretend to be something that I’m not just to score a man who will wind up not loving me for me.
“YOU NEED TO COOK MORE”
Oh gosh…where to begin. We all know that saying about men and food. I’ve actually had men complain that I didn’t cook for them. The kicker – I wasn’t in a relationship with them. Laughing at them being so butt hurt was the only thing I could do. To be clear I LOVE to cook and I enjoy baking but these are things are a part of my love language. So I don’t do them for a man just because he shows some interest in me. I feel like men get so much from women these days with such little effort that they expect us all to open the floodgates of favors on command. No sir.
Oh, the person who gave me this piece of advice had been divorced for years and every relationship since the divorce has failed.
“HE HAS $. DEAL WITH IT!”
Earlier this year I was dating a nice guy who was 8 years older than me. He was respectful, he worked out regularly, he was close with the women in his family, was down for road trips and had a good career. A great career. Because of that I was told that I should accept the things about him that I didn’t like. Like the fact that he was inconsistent and that he didn’t have a nurturing bone in his body. I was told to think about the long term financial benefits. He has money now AND he still has potential to earn greatly later in life. I won’t commit myself to someone who is good for my wallet but does nothing for my soul.
The person who gave me this advice didn’t even have a job *sigh* so I guess this thought process would make sense. This person usually advises me greatly but dropped the ball with this one.
“YOU SHOULD GO THROUGH HIS PHONE”
We’ve all seen the videos and memes of people going through their SO’s phone and while it’s funny to watch online I don’t find it funny at all in real life. I used to joke that if a man really wanted to cheat on me he wouldn’t have to try too hard because I believe in giving people their personal space. I’m not going to hound you all day about where you are and who you’re with. I’m not going to question why you don’t answer every single time I call. If I’m in a relationship with you I expect you to be committed and I trust that you’re doing that until you give me reasons to believe otherwise. And then I leave.
This advice was given to me by someone who didn’t trust their boyfriend. He’d cheated on her before and going through phones was obviously routine in their relationship. She asked me straight up, “You don’t go through __’s phone?” Uhhh, no. TF?!
“YOU SHOULD’VE CHECKED HIM”
I have a strong personality and aggression is definitely one of my traits. Because of this people assume that I’m mean in my romantic relationships and that I don’t know how to treat my SO. I once was in a relationship with a man who challenged a family member of mine in a public setting. Of course that person felt disrespected and they in turn got on me for letting my boyfriend get away with it. What they didn’t know is that I ripped my BF a new one once we were alone. There are certain things that I refuse to do in public.
Always be authentic regardless of what other people think. Certain results may be delayed but the end result is always worth it.
What’s some terrible relationship advice that you’ve received in your past? Have you ever taken advice and regretted it?
Until next time…